VE TODAY SHOW PREMIERE
Posted by Mr. VE
*The live crowd gives applause and cheers as the host walks into view*
*Grins and clasps his hands together* Well... Wow. Look at this audience! Woohoo. Well, I guess the more important matter is how the VE Today has grown from just a place for articles and interviews into... wait. Oh yes, the announcers are supposed to introduce that. Well, take it away Thwan!
*A band plays in the background and the happy-like announcers voice cuts the silence through the various speakers*
"Ladies and gentlemen, Imperial and Scum alike, welcome to the most fantastic, the most fun, the most entertaining, and the ugliest show you'll ever see in your life! We've got the statements and the pictures to go along with it! Ladies and gentle, and Imperials and Scum alike, please welcome the host of The VE Today Show, Mr. VE!"
Yes! Thank you, and welcome to the special premiere of The VE Today Show. I must say outright here that we're packin'. We've got some hilarious pictures, quotes, and submissions for you on the show, so sit back and grab those seats!
*Sits down behind the newly-bought wooden desk and takes a sip of his coffee*
Damn. Have we got a good show for you tonight. There are no guest stars yet, but there will be for our next show! .... Guess that wasn't a good statement for a premiere. Anyway, let's get the ball rolling shall we? Now, I don't know about you, but I love family portraits. You know, the ones where you have the father on the left, the mother on the right, and the children right dead in the center? Yep. Those. Well, we've sent hundreds emallies, and we've received a good amount of replies. However, tonight we're showing my favorite. The family portrait I'm about to show you is not what you may call a "regular" family portrait. It's in a class by itself... it has it's own definition of wei... beauty. This real life portrait was sent to us by twenty-five year old Bart Mall.
I love a thing of beauty. Well, that's our only submission, but Bart did send us a recording of some daily life conversation between himself and his two parents when he was eight:
Bart: Hey he-mom. Need to ask you something.
Obinique: What is it?
Bart: I don't have any horns yet. What's up with that?
Obinique: Don't worry, young sonawan. You'll be horny in time.
Gonner: Hold up... not only in time, but within minutes! From looking at the results of the blood sample I had taken from you when you were asleep last night because of my constant hidden agendas, I have found that your Midichlorian count is very high!
Obinique: Off the charts, in fact. It even surpasses the horniest woman in the universe: Master Lola.
Mall: So, y'all sayin' I'll be horny soon?
Gonner: Most definately.
Mall: Hell yes! fo' shizzel babay!
Obinique *Puts his hand on his forehead* Oh dear... I must sit down... I' swear, you'll be the death of me.
*Clears his throat* You know, seeing that kind of family togetherness brings tears in my eyes. *Looks into the camera* You're a lucky boy, Bart. My man-and-woman parents died when I was a child. You should cherish what you have because there are lots of people like me who never had parents to tell them when they'd be horny. *Sits back and takes another sip of coffee* Anyway, back to business. The Vast Empire had some pretty amazing days when a great man, Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth, was but a mere recruit joining the ranks. There were quotes, members, activity... happy times, people. Many of us do not have the original quotes, so I have took it upon myself to scavage what was left.... found none for today's show, but I'll use my new collection!
Merrick: I was right under them when they did it =D
Merrick: they both roared right over my head
* D-13|story had a gas mask on while doing it
Cosmic: you can do it to yourself.
Cosmic: not as effective, but it's possible.
* InferiorMerrick offers her hole in the wall
Fury: i really gotta try to get that hard drive working long enough to pull some data off of it
arturus: is there another rebel barracks or hanger or something
arturus: another base
Rizzit: no, just the one super-base
arturus: so we taking over a hanger in there or a smaller one outside the main base
Rizzit: Cos? u wanna help me on that?
Cosmic: art, it's a big-ass fortress.
*Crowd laughs and applause fills the room*
Yeeep. Good times. Well, what I'd like to do now has been done a lot on different shows similar to this: The Wookie Tonight, Good Morning Scum, and The Late Show with Fluke Whiney Skaiwalka just to name a few. What they do, and what you shall see in a moment, is show the audience several humorous pics that they've either altered or altered. So, I said to myself "Why not, let's take that small, almost non-existant leap into the known and make it... unknown..."- Wait. Who the hell wrote this? Someone really screwed up on the script. Scroll up! Yes, scroll up! I can't read it... Hold up, now that's too far back. Scroll down. Yes. No, now that's too fast. There. Good. You're fired. Now, let's produce our pictures. Our first one was brought to us by one of our scouts, our recon geniuses. Unfortunately he died as we received this. His memory shall be forever remembered, blah blah blah. *Leans forward* We've actually found the hidden location of a powerful Sith Lord's training facility, and what makes this even better is that we've got a photo of him actually instructing one of his many trained-to-kill, terrifying-looking elites that would, seriously, make your hair stand on end:
Now, that's some freaky s*BEEEEP*t! Oh, am I not allowed to say that word on the show? Well, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Anyway, our next photo s*BEEEP!*t. *Grins* Our next photo displays how the White Terror and all that cool death-to-the-planets stuff all came about. The thinking behind all of that planning took... a long time! Here's one of the troopers involved with the planning stages. He was nice enough to let us take a picture of how he gets himself into the zone, clears his mind, and gets his thought process in order. Basically, this is how he works:
Magnificent. Our next photo was taken on a planet... can't remember the name offhand. One of those planet's that end in ooine... *Looks at one of his crew members* Oh, you have it? Ah, ok. Ladies and gentle, and Imperials and Scum alike, this photo was taken on Tatooine during an Imperial victory-training exercise:
Let's give our guys a round of applause eh? They work so hard!
*Crowd gives applause* but stops as soon as the light indicator deactivates
Well, that's our show ladies and gentlemen, and Imperials and Scum alike! Thank you very much for coming to The VE Today Show's premiere! Our special guest for our next show will be none other than The Vast Empire Army's Prefect, Major General Fury! Goodnight!