BBC ONLINE BASHES STAR WARS
Posted by VE Reporter
Yes, dear readers, the ever-fickle British Broadcasting Company -- which once played a major role in the hyping of Episode I -- has decided to take their turn in mocking Star Wars. On their Netscape Composer-created online website, out-spoken long-haired BBC writer Kim Newman has taken several potshots at not only Episode I - The Phantom Menace, but the venerable classic trilogy as well . . .
BBC ONLINE ARTICLE EXCERPT AND LIST:
"While the world gasps in amazement at the news of the new "Star Wars" episode - "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones", here is your useful set of arguments when it comes to convincing starry-eyed, young-middle-aged clods clutching their original Greedo action figures and cuddly Banthas that their entire life is based on a contemptible lie.
1) Jar-Jar Binks
2) Ewoks - was this a Lucasfilms attempt to copyright teddy bears? Wholesale wastage of British acting talent.
[Reporter's Note: British acting talent? Unless someone planned to do a remake of 'Gremlins' or 'Babes in Toyland', We doubt anyone needed 500 under 4ft midgets when ROTJ was filmed.]
3) "Return of the Jedi". The whole film.
[Reporter's Note: Errr . . . ]
4) Did we mention Jar-Jar Binks?
5) Pre-acting classes Harrison Ford, never more convincing than when frozen in a block of solid goo.
[Reporter's Note: This statement coming from the same company which lauds "American Grafiti" as a classic film.]
6) Bun-like ear muffs as a female hairstyle, no more flattering for Natalie Portman than Carrie Fisher.
[Reporter's Note: A unique film hairstyle which just happens to appear on the covers of more women's magazines than any other to date.]
7) Dialogue along the general lines of "travellin' through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"
[Reporter's Note: Errr . . . ]
8) That special edition re-release with the dodgy CGI Jabba the Hutt spliced in. Establishing the law that the biggest box office goes to the stupidest films.
[Reporter's Note: On this item, we just might agree. "Titantic" did stink big time.]
9) Jar-Jar Bloody Binks!
[Reporter's Note: Wait a minute! The critic writing this article is English! How *did* we guess? :P ]
10) Wholesale wastage of Samuel L. Jackson.
[Reporter's Note: Mainly because Jackson begged for the part of Mace Windu even if he did not have to say any lines at all.]
11) Fast-food merchandising tie-ins.
12) The cluttering up of the SF [Science Fiction] shelves at your local bookshop with worthless tie-in junk passed off as novels.
[Reporter's Note: Mr. Newman just insulted roughly fifty Science Fiction authors ranging from Timothy Zahn to Michael Stackpole to Terry Brooks to Allan Dean Foster.]
13) Princess Leia's slave girl outfit in "Return of the Jedi" aside, the remarkable lack of sexiness. There's more steam in ten minutes of "Flash Gordon" than in all four "Star Wars" films to date.
[Reporter's Note: Uh, Flash Gordon? As in 1930s B-films set on Mongo which had the dippy Dale Arden, corny Ming the Merciless and half-naked scrawny guys in bermuda shorts wearing plastic wings? Jean Rogers may have been attractive, but she is no Natalie Portman. Regardless, we -- the official staff of the Vast Empire News Service -- will take Buck Rogers battling zombies in the 25th century over Flash Gordon any day.]
14) Anyone remember "Caravan of Courage: The Ewok Adventure" and "Ewoks: Battle for Endor", episodes seven and a half and eight and a quarter?
15) Not including a proper death scene for Peter Cushing.
[Reporter's Note: Cushing was blown to smithereens in one of the most visually spectacular movie finales in film history at the time Star Wars: A New Hope was released. It had audiences cheering. Face it, the death scene rocked!]
16) Delaying Mark Hamill's discovery of a true career as a voice-over artist playing comic book villains (he's the best-ever Joker).
[Reporter's Note: This guy likes comic books and people dressed up like bats, but Star Wars is just too immature for him ;)]
17) Murderous syntax of the contrived and annoying wise sayings Yoda comes out with.
[Reporter's Note: Hit you with my stick, I shall. Cry like a girl you will.]
18) George Lucas's persistent attempts to persuade people that children like Jar-Jar Binks and they're who he made the film for in the first place, bless him.
[Reporter's Note: I do not know of one kid under twelve who thought Jar-Jar Binks was not funny. They laugh at Barney for pete's sake. Which is worse: Barney or Jar-Jar Binks? How many of you would like to see those two square off in a WWF full-contact match?]
19) Passing off an embarrassing plot device as a religion.
20) Cute comedy relief robots.
[Reporter's Note: Hmm. You were sexually abused as a child, weren't you?]
21) What was the name of that kid in "The Phantom Menace", you know the one? Yes, Haley Joel Osment. No, wait a minute. Jake Something. He was dreadful.
[Reporter's Note: Yes, Jake Lloyd's acting did stink. But, upon constrasting him to Osment, he seems like one of the greatest actors who ever lived.]
22) Taking up a ridiculous amount of neurons in Kevin Smith's brain that could more profitably be used making his films better.
23) Press conferences and news stories trying to get excited about the title of a sequel - anyone care what they call "Alien 5" or "Lethal Weapon 5"?
[Reporter's Note: Actually, over 2.5 million people are -- at this very minute -- eagerly awaiting the title of Alien 5 ;) ]
. . . And there you have it, folks! Do you feel like harassing Mr. Newman for writing this god-aweful article? Yes? Then light-up your flame throwers and post your response here.